Risque Jokes





 

The following represents a collection of some of my favorite
internet jokes received from friends over the past decade or so.

I have made no effort to edit or modify them in any manner for
"political correctness," as that term does not exist in my vocabulary,
and especially since I neither consider myself political, nor correct.   :-)

This page is provided for entertainment purposes only,
and not intended to offend. Therefore, if you are under 18 years of age,
have virgin eyes or ears, or are otherwise offended by risque, ethnic,
or sexist humor, please heed the warning signs below and do not cross the barrier.

Otherwise, please proceed on and enjoy !!
If you have any jokes you'd like to add to this page,
please feel free to send them to: 
garywolf@gol.com

 

do not enter                         no crossing                         do not pass

Disclaimer: The following section may contain material
offensive to some readers. Proceed with caution.........




AT THE LIBRARY

A guy asked a girl at the library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you ?"

The girl answered in an extra loud voice, "I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU !!!"

All of the people in the library started staring at the guy & he was VERY embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl quietly walked to the guy's table and told him, "I study Psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed ?"

The guy responded with an equally loud voice, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT! THAT'S TOO MUCH !!!"

And again all the people in the library looked at them in shock. The guy then leaned over and whispered to her, "I study Law and I know how to make people look guilty !!!"


I FISH ON FRIDAYS

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. 
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, 
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years
they had been married. 

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, 
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of 
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, 
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the 
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down as though in a daze. 

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your 
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' 

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop 
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'


HORSES DON'T SMOKE

From the Sept. 2000 issue of "Japan Traveler" magazine:

"On July 15 Koichi prefectural horse racing officials imposed a 30-day ban on a horse after a July 3 post-race urine sample had turned up high levels of caffeine, which is prohibited as a performance enhancing substance.

But the horse owners adamantly proclaimed their innocence saying they had not doped their horse. High levels of nicotine in the sample created additional suspicion.

Two weeks later, officials issued an apology after the employee who took the sample admitted that he had topped off the container with his own urine because the horse had not given very much and he was in a hurry."


SOMETHING EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW.......

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

On March 31, 1948, almost exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.


'TIS THE SEASON FOR A LITTLE POLITICAL HUMOR

Here is some rather funny commentary by Bill Maher, political humorist and host of the U.S. TV program "Politically Incorrect" regarding the recent Democratic National Convention:

"Well, tonight was what they called liberal night at the Democratic convention. Four Kennedys spoke including Ted Kennedy. He made an impassioned speech, but I thought he took a little bit of a cheap shot. He blamed Chappaquiddick on those damn Firestone tires."  --  Aug. 15 show

"No, Al Gore made a good speech tonight at the convention. No, actually some unprecedented things about Al Gore's speech. One, he claimed that he wrote it all himself. Politicians don't usually do that. He said he wrote the whole speech himself. Then he got carried away and said he invented spell check."  --  Aug. 17 show


YOUNG COUPLE

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"


CHINESE BABY

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says..........

"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."


A FATHER'S LAMENT

A man walks into a store with his eight-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"


GOD (PLEASE) BLESS AMERICA

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of government bonds:

1. The Al Gore Bond, which has no interest,

2. The Monica Lewinsky Bond, which has no maturity,

and....

3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.


MORE EBONICS

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence:

1. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

2. Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

3. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

5. Penis
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

6. Israel
Tito tried to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".

7. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

8. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

9. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.

10. Iraq When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

11. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

12. Seldom My cousin gave me tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Honor
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?

14. Dictate
My girfriend say my dictate good.

15. Odyssey
I tol' my brother, "You odyssey the tits on that ho!"

16. Axe
After school today, the police want to axe me some questions.

17. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "fortify."

18. Income
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.


THE BAR

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."


GREAT PICKUP LINES

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.


TRUE STORY?

Japanese Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he attends the July, 2000 G-8 Summit in Okinawa and meets with President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say 'How are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say 'I am fine, and you?' Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is ...

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked, but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I am Hillary's husband, ha ha..."

Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."

Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.


ODE TO TEXAS

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."


TIME FOR A PAYRAISE

Mr. Penis-Head requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I work head first
I do not get personal vacation days, weekends off, or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from the administration:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You take a lot of non-approved breaks
You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe Office of Health & Safety measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
You don't wait till pension age before retiring
You don't like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


TORNADO IN KANSAS

The most recent four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"


The following was an actual excerpt from Forbe's Magazine:

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint.

Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be."


POEM BY AN AFRICAN MAN

DEAR WHITE FELLA,

COUPLA THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

WHEN I BORN, I BLACK
WHEN I GROW UP, I BLACK
WHEN I GO IN SUN, I BLACK
WHEN I COLD, I BLACK
WHEN I SCARED, I BLACK
WHEN I SICK, I BLACK
AND WHEN I DIE, I STILL BLACK

AND YOU WHITE FELLA,
WHEN YOU BORN, YOU PINK
WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU WHITE
WHEN YOU GO IN SUN, YOU RED
WHEN YOU COLD, YOU BLUE
WHEN YOU SCARED, YOU YELLOW
WHEN YOU SICK, YOU GREEN
WHEN YOU DIE, YOU GREY

............. AND YOU CALLING ME COLORED ?


SIMPLE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.

WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
"DAM!"

WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
POLAROIDS.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A STICK.

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
NACHO CHEESE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
QUATTRO SINKO.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
SPOILED MILK.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
FROSTBITE.

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A NERVOUS WRECK.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF.

WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
BECAUSE IT SCARES THE DOG.

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
SANKA.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.

WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR BELT BUCKLE ON THEIR HAT.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DANG IT!!   A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DANG IT, WHACK!!

HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
UNIQUE UP ON IT.

HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.

WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
SKEET.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING.

HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER.


KENYAN WOMEN PROTEST AT DRINKING DENS, DEMAND SEX

March 15, 2000

NAIROBI, Kenya (Reuters) -- A group of women stormed a Kenyan police station to demand officers either make love to them or close illegal drinking dens they said made their husbands impotent, a local newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The People newspaper said the women, from Kandara, north of Nairobi, brought business in the town to a halt with their day-long protest against excessive drinking by their menfolk.

"Our men have turned to vegetables. They leave home early and come back intoxicated. There is nobody to meet the sexual needs of wives," the newspaper quoted one woman as saying.

The women, drawn from 24 Catholic church groups, demanded that the officer in charge of the police station either order his men to make love to them or find them new husbands because they were sexually frustrated. The paper did not say how police reacted to their demands.

The women said the population of the district was falling as a result of the poor sexual performance of the men.


FINE WINE

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with."


CURRENCY EXCHANGE

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $19.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and but was handed only $18. He asked the teller why he got less money than he got last week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, but just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"


DEPRESSION

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, " Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."


FUN WITH WORDS

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

And, best of all... Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


THE FIRST NOTABLE QUOTE OF THE CENTURY

Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight loss):

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."


UPSIDE DOWN

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says "Yes sir."

The cop says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." He then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket, but before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


RODMAN'S GENIE

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up. Suddenly a genie appears from the bottle. "Master, I may grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.

"Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.

The genie pleads..."But Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever." Dennis thinks a moment....then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he says, "Ok, ok ... I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" "Now leave me the f . . . alone!"

So the annoyed genie says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, Rodman wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton in bed with him. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.


THE EASIEST OPERATION

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded".

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable".


THE THREE WISE WOMEN

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don't you?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.


EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS

There once was a blind fellow who decided to visit Texas. When he got on the plane, he felt the seats and said,"Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered,"Everything is BIG in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are huge!" The bartender replied, "Yup! Everything is BIG down here in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the restroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man surfaced and started shouting, "DON'T FLUSH, DON'T FLUSH !!!"


WHAT DO WE CALL IT?

The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their native language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when people are entering.

The wife of Boris Yelstin says in Russia you call it a parrot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Well, finally it's Hillary's turn. She says that in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.


SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA

You're not going to believe this..... Try it.......

This is absolutely incredible!

You can actually take a picture of yourself using your computer monitor.

Your monitor can discern small electrical impulses and detect bright and dark areas very close to the screen (1-2 feet). This is still a beta site, and the image is a bit blurred, but it works !!!

You won't believe this one!!

OK, here's the link...

http://server142.smartbotpro.net/camera


DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN LIST FOR AUGUST 20, 1999

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think 'Pokemon' Is

10. That lady that broke up The Beatles
9. That Buddhist dude who was just in Central Park
8. How Jamaican people say "Poke"
7. That giant turtle in those Godzilla movies
6. The stuff Mark McGwire took to grow 90-inch biceps
5. Irish for "Kiss My Ass"
4. Jack Lord's sidekick on Hawaii 5-0
3. How they pronounce "Poker" at those Indian casinos
2. The stuff the FBI found on Monica's dress
1. Ain't that where "beautiful Mt. Airy Lodge" is?


ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.


WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and twins Deap and Dip.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other 6 children... Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt... were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

                       - This Family History recorded by Crock O. Schitt -


For those of us who aren't "power users" of computers, here is a new key on the keyboard that, when pushed, will resolve all problems.

gary


When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual talk between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter popped the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"


An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

In the meantime, everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was ready for him, and quickly pulled him over. After stopping the driver, the officer read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0%.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."


Two friends were playing golf. One pulled out a cigar, but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied. He reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12" lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"

"Why, I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend then says to the genie, "I'm a good golfing buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said.

So he asks him for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.  Suddenly the sky darkens and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. You don't really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic, do you?"


The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"


Bill and Hillary Clinton hosted a large bipartisan dinner party at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford, and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.

After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the first family's private living room. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time.

After dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, "Did you know that Bill has a solid gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?" Marilyn's initial shock turns to a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, "We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider information', dear?"

"That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!" says Dan. "You know sometimes you're just too smart," as he leans over to hug and give her a quick kiss on the cheek.

The next morning, after the morning papers arrived at the White House residence, Hillary opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating: "CLINTONS SPLURGE ON GOLD URINAL, SAYS QUAYLE."

Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, "Bill! I think I know who peed in your saxophone!"


At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time ... however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written (for 95 points):

"Which tire?"


Dear Family:

The other day I was in the local religious book store when I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back of my car and I'm really glad I did.

That bumper sticker must really work, because of the uplifting experience that immediately followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. Suddenly I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too so, I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there too, because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They had kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they even got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile and for good measure, held up the Hawaiian good luck sign once more as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Love y'all,

Grandma


An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.  Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.  At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in.  Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S.  Sure is hot down here."


A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a very unique looking broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I would like a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. I wish to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."


An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for, " said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it 'Holy cow, look at all those f____ Indians.' "


A man in a hotel lobby wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow hits her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 1221."


A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside him. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard, instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks straight into his eyes, and says, "I will be speaking to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, doing everything he can to maintain. "And what myths are those?"

She explains,"Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."


Mother Superior ordered a couple of nuns to repaint one of the rooms in the convent.  Her last instruction to them is to be sure and not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

The nuns brainstorm and decide the best way to ensure this is to strip down naked, place their habits safely in the middle of the room, and then to lock the door.

They proceed to paint the room in the nude.  After some time, there is a knock at the door, followed by a voice, "Blind Man."

The 2 nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide there's no harm in letting in a blind man, so one of them unlocks the door and in walks a young man carrying a very large load in his arms.

The man says to the nuns, "Nice tits.  Where would you like the blinds?"


Did you hear the one about Monica Lewinski's cleaners man who's hearing-impaired?  

She went in one day and said to him, "I'd like to have this dress cleaned, please."

He goes, "Come again?"

She responds, "No, mustard!"


A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir.  But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."


Q:  Do you know how to tell when the Post Office is hiring?

A:  When the flag is flying at half mast.


Q:  What do you call 8 straight days of blowjobs?

A:  Hanukkah Lewinsky


PRESIDENTIAL CLOCK

Ashley walked into the White House for the first day of her internship and was greeted by the President.  After a tour, he asked, "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"

Ashley got suspicious and said, "I've heard certain things about you, Mr. President, and I don't think that would be a smart idea."

"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock."  Ashley reluctantly agreed.  The President led her to an empty Oval Office, closed the door, dropped his pants and pulled it out.

In a surprised tone, Ashley said, "That's not the Presidential Clock; it's the Presidential Cock."

The President responded, "Ashley, honey, put a face and two hands on it, and it's a clock."


A man is driving down the road and sees a nun hitchhiking next to a broken down car. He picks the nun up and begins driving down the road to the nearest service station.

After driving a bit, the man begins to shake nervously. The nun asks "What is wrong?"

The man says "I grew up in catholic school and have always had a fantasy about having sex with a nun."

The nun says "You are only human and we all have these feelings." The nun continues to say how she too has these desires. The nun agrees to have sex on three conditions -- that the man is not married, has no children, and that he must do her from behind, because she is saving herself for God.

He agrees and they do it. After having sex, they continue driving down the road and the man begins to shake again and confesses that he is married and has kids.

The nun says "That's ok, my name is Kevin and I am on my way to a Halloween Party."


An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback........"


WHAT IS POLITICS?

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism." Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government." Together we take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People." We'll call the maid "The Working Class," and your baby brother we can call "The Future." "Do you understand, Son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally ignored by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father:

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored, and the Future is full of shit....."


Did you hear that Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce?

The judge said to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, if I understand you correctly, are you saying that your only grounds for divorce is that your wife Minnie is insane?"

Mickey goes, "No, your Honor, what I said was that my wife Minnie is friggin' Goofy."


MAILMAN'S LAST DAY........

     It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
     When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
     At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
     At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
     She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
     When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
     When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
     As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
     "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"      "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
     I asked him what to give you.
     He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.'
     The breakfast was my idea."


PRISON LIFE VS FULL-TIME JOB

     In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
     In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
     In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
     At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
     In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
     In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
     In prison you get your own loo. At work you have to share.
     In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
     In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
     In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out so you can get inside bars.
     In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
     In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have bosses.


TRAIN DELAY

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."


CAMELOT

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m' lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or severely damaged in some way. All of them, that is, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

Unfortunately, Sir Galahad was speechless.


HEROICS

     Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.
     It's a beautiful day and love is the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
     So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
     "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
     "Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
     His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says "Pierre, kiss me lower."
     Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her gigantic, firm, luscious white cantaloupes.
     "Pierre, what are you doing?"
     "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
     They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
     Pierre tears off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her big bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
     Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!?"
     "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!"


A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights -- the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria -- and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why.

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievably fast rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's O.J. Simpson's clock. We just decided to use it as a fan."


      There were these three agricultural students (Aggies) driving along this old farm road one day when they saw this farm, pulled in, and knocked on the farmer's door.
      The farmer answered the door and the three students introduced themselves and said,  "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter?"
      The old farmer scratched his head and said, "You boys ain't gonna get no butter from buttercups, but you're more than welcome to try."
      About an hour later, the three came back, thanked the farmer, and drove off with their bucket full of butter.
      The farmer once again scratched and shook his head, mumbled under his breath about "them damn Aggies" and went on about his business.
     About three months later, the same three Aggies came up to the farm, knocked on the door, and asked the farmer if he remembered them.
     He chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time?
     One of them said, "We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket of milk?"
     Once again, the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my milkweeds."
     Once again, about an hour later, the three came back with their bucket overflowing with fresh milk and drove off.
     This time, the farmer was really confused, but just a little less skeptical.
     It was about three or four months later when the three Aggies came back and again knocked on the farmer's door, this time saying that they were driving by and saw the field full of pussywillows.
     Needless to say, the farmer immediately joined them this time on their excursion.


"We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool."

--a sign posted at the men's jacuzzi in a sports club--


"IN THE BEGINNING........"

     It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have.
     Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years," he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
     Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
     Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"
     Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.


     Three couples -- an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newlywed couple -- wanted to join a church.
     The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
     The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
     The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
     "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
     The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
     The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
     "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
     The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
     "Well sorry, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
     "What happened?" inquired the pastor.
     "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
     "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
     "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either.

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DO YOU HAVE A DOG HOUSE?

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."


GHOSTS...........

1000 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.
Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised) Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)
Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Hope, Arkansas."
Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"
Attendee: "Oh, I thought you said goat."


     Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees -- always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
     Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
     So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
     Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Then Sarah says, "Do you mind jacking off? I have a terrible headache right now."


WHAT WOMEN SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN:

Can't we just be friends?...........
............There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.
I just need some space...........
...........without you in it.
Do I look fat in this dress?............
.............We haven't had a fight in a while.
No, pizza's fine..............
...........Cheap bastard!
I just don't want a boyfriend right now..............
..........I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend right now.
I don't know; what do you want to do?...........
..........I can't believe that you have nothing planned.
Come here.........
.........My puppy does this too.
I like you, but.........
..........I don't like you.
You never listen............
..........You never listen.
We're moving too quickly..........
...........I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'll be ready in a minute..........
............I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself...........
.........I am just being nice; there is no way I am going Dutch.
Oh YES!!! Right there.............
..........Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'm just going out with the girls.......
...........We are gonna get smashed and make fun of you and your friends.
There's no one else..........
..........I am doing your brother.
Size doesn't matter............
...........unless I want an orgasm.


THE NEW PRIEST

     A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
     So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest.


THE TIRED G.I.

     A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
     Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted; "You Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
     He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant" she said.
     He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."
     With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
     An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."


ELEVEN REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A MALE REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN

#1. Some folks have it, some don't.
#2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
#3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
#4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
#5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
#6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
#7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
#8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
#9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
#10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrants.
#11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.


BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID

Reason #173 to fear technology.....

o       o      o      o      o     <o     <o>     o>     o
.|.      \|.     \|/      //      X      \         |      <|       <|>
/\       >\    /<     >\     /<     >\      /<       >\       /<

Mr. Ascii-head learns the Macarena.


$100 FOR A PEEK

     A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
     " Hi, is Tom home?"
     " No, he went to the store."
     "Well, you mind if I wait?"
     " No, come in."
     They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
     Nora thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
     They sit there a while longer and the guy says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
      Nora thinks about this and thinks, what the hell, opens her robe, and gives the guy a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
     A while later Tom arrives home. His wife says, "You know, your weird friend came over. "
       Tom thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"


THE FARMER AND THE PIGS

     A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
     The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.
     He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and, exhausted, goes to bed.
     Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the pigs and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
     The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."


How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Eight: One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.


APRIIL 15TH NEWS

To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S Service Center
RE: Notice of increase in tax payments

     The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts. Effective January 1, 1997 your penis will be taxed according to size.
     The categories are as follows:
                              10 - 12 inches       Luxury Tax              $30.00
                                8 - 10                   Pole Tax                    25.00
                                5 - 8                     Privilege Tax             15.00  
                                4 - 5                     Nuisance Tax              3.00
     Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return.

NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
AND PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

                                                                          Sincerely,
                                                                          Chief Pecker Checker
                                                                          I.R.S.


An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"

"Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key."

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans, "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"


     A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

     After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

     To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"


CIGARETTE CONDOM

     Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
     Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
     The other old lady said," It's a condom."
     "A condom? Where do you get those?"
     The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
     The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
     The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"


FIRST TIME

     A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
     The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
      At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy -- a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack? The boy insists on the family pack, because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
      That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
     The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
     The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"


APPOINTMENTS

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls over and whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

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SADDAM HUSSEIN

Saddam Hussein is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Hussein says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty Iraqi children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Hussein. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Hussein, "Is there no one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Yassar Arafat, Colonel Kaddafi, and Saddam Hussein were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Hussein beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"


THE SARCASTIC BURGLAR

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."


One day a bartender put up a sign on his door that read, "If you can make my horse laugh, I'll give you a free beer." A guy walked in and said "I'd like to try," so the bartender showed him to the horse stall out back and let him in.

The bartender went back to the bar and waited, and the man came back and said, "He's laughing, where's my beer?" The bartender was surprised and went back to check and sure enough the horse was laughing, so he gave the man a free beer.

"How did you do that?" the bartender asked.

"It's my secret," the man replied before walking out of the bar.

The next day the bartender saw that his horse was laughing non-stop. Annoyed by this and worried about its effect on his horse, he put up a sign saying, "If you can make my horse cry, I'll give you 2 free beers."

The same man walked into the bar. "I'd like to try," he said. The bartender showed him to the horse stall again and went back to the bar to wait. The man came back and, sure enough, he said, "The horse is crying, now, give me my 2 free beers."

The bartender was surprised once again and went back to the stall to check, and sure enough the horse was crying. The bartender asked the man again, "How in the world did you do that? Now you're gonna have tell me."

"OK, OK, I'll tell you," the man replied. "Yesterday, I told your horse my dick was bigger than his. And today, I showed it to him."


THE COSTUME PARTY

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife walked up next to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you..... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"


A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked him, so he said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss inquired of the young man, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."


OCCUPATIONS

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a house of prostitution."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE MAY BE HAVING AN ON-LINE AFFAIR

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear


THE DIAGNOSIS

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.


A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping at Victoria's Secret and picked up a pair of sexy, crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as he had a drink.

She slowly spread her legs and said, "Honey, would you like some of this?" He replies, "Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"


SONS

     These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
     "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
     The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
     The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been talking about their sons and asks what line his son is in.
     "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."


WHY COMPUTERS ARE LIKE WOMEN

Six reasons computers must be female.....

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as: "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


THE WEDDING NIGHT

     Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.  
     But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
     So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
     "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
     So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
     "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
     So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's only got a foot and a half!"
     "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"


     This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
     Man: "What was that for?"
     Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
     Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
     The wife looked satisfied with the response, so proceeds to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
     Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
     Wife: "Your horse called."


SUNDAY SCHOOL

     At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
     "Sure," Johnny replied. "They go out in the bushes behind the church yard."


     One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?"
     The other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."


A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who used to paddle our butts for sucking our thumbs."


Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.


LIL' BILLY

One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher told the students to go home and think of a story and then be prepared to tell it tomorrow by concluding with a moral of the story....

The next day Billy tells his story....

"My dad fought in the Persian Gulf War, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a sword. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his sword and killed 20 more, but then his sword broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story......

Billy replies, "Yeah..... don't fuck with my dad when he's been drinking."


Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to, they manage to extract themselves from the vehicle, and then realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"


THE CAMEL

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour, he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel.

"The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me.

"After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual urges any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!

"The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. ôSo, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?," he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Uh, well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."


Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?

A. When they come, they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.


TOP TEN MCDONALD'S LIST

In case you didn't hear, someone bit into a burger at McDonald's, and there was a condom -- unused, but unwrapped in it.

"Top Ten McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in the Big Mac"
(As presented on the Aug. 22, '97 broadcast of LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN.)

10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan."
  9. Condom, condiment - what's the damn difference?
  8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe."
  7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
  6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
  5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal."
  4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
  3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
  2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device."
       ...and the #1 McDonald's excuse for the condom in the Big Mac.....
  1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.






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(last updated April 1, 2014)
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